Spiritual Disappointment - James 1:17 (Guest Speaker Nina Nguyen)

Explore a heartfelt journey from rebellion to unwavering faith in the latest episode of Eden's Conflict Podcast. Jai brings on Nina, a friend and sister in Christ, whose life story teems with adversity, rebellion, and a remarkable reconnection with faith even amidst life’s tumultuous storms while battling with kidney cancer. This episode doesn’t just recount a story of struggle and survival but unveils a path from questioning to absolute belief, offering listeners a genuine look into real-life encounters with faith and surrender to a divine plan. Visit the Eden's Conflict Podcast website to immerse yourself in Nina’s journey and explore more episodes that navigate through various experiences of conflict, struggle, and ultimate reconciliation with God.

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https://www.instagram.com/nsquared32/

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Transcript

 Honestly, I'm kind of pleased that the cancer happened, because if it didn't, I think I would still have been lost and, I may have two kidneys back then. but, I'd rather lose a kidney and find God than have both my kidneys and not have God in my life the way I   do now, for sure.   

 Welcome back everybody to Eden's conflict. I am your host Jai. Bringing you another episode, another interview with one of my close friends, personal friend, and somebody who I absolutely. Uh, love and adore as a sister in Christ who , I've seen grow so much over  the better part of five years now. And. Her testimony is something that really impacts me. And I found so amazing. . And recently we had an opportunity to listen to it and to hear her, give her testimony in a artistic form, which, you know, if you've been spent any time on this podcast, You can know, I'm all about that artistic form on things. So without further to do here's my guest today, Nina. Nina. Thanks so much for being on the podcast. 

Thanks so much for having me Jai, it's such a privilege to be able to share a little bit of my testimony in a way it's just like God's been working in my life and I just appreciate you having, or having me on this podcast. 

Now.  For those who don't know, can you kind of summarize a little bit about your own. , personal experience. I know we are going to have a, you perform, should I say,  for a little teaser, your,  testimony  in a bit here on this episode, but. For those who don't know you, can you give maybe a five minute summary of your life experience when it comes to your walk with God and  what you plan to share in your testimony? 

Sure I can give like a little summary, a little recap. So I was born and raised in the church. I actually was raised Adventist. , my grandpa was a pastor at the time and my uncle too. So you can imagine I grew up in that kind of, , background of knowing. , God, a bit having the right education, going to the right private schools and stuff. And, but during the time that  I think was in college, , I don't know. I felt kind of like I had the faith because my parents believe that in my grandparents believe in not because I wanted it. So I kind of had a rebellious stage in college. Went away from being Adventist. And I decided to just kind of participate more in a nondenominational Christian background and praise God. I actually was still able to meet God in that. And I got involved in being a, like a Bible study leader for freshmen in the dorm. And just kind of connect with God, but I still felt like something was missing.  I would go to church on Sunday and. Just kind of hanging out with people there, but after college and stuff, I went back home, stayed home and was pursuing a nursing degree at the time. And I think I just felt really lost.  I was trying to search. Try to find churches to go to didn't quite mesh  in my heart. I guess is what I'm trying to say. And,  I wasn't happy and there was a hole in my heart. As cliche as that sounds. And, I actually ended up getting cancer kidney cancer about eight years ago and, praise God for that, because he was actually able to save my life and God showed me.  By using that kind of showed me a better path and that involved me having the courage to go back to school, becoming a CRN. And I actually moved down to California. From Oregon and there, I was able to find a great Christian community and slowly I think through the people, God placed in my life and through my job and the lessons that he's just teaching me every day, he  pursued me to the point where now I feel like I have a really good relationship with God. I'm trying to spend more quality time with him. And I want to share him more with those around me and on my social media page. And just whenever I have a chance, I just love talking about God. So it has been quite the journey, but,  I'm just thankful that, we believe in a God who. Give second chances and we'll never stop pursuing you even when we don't. Want to like, learn about him or love him, but he is always unconditionally loving us. 

That's amazing. That's it's so beautiful to hear when we can look back on our lives and see how God has led. I think that is what true faith is founded upon. And oftentimes it can be a difficult struggle for a new believer because they don't know where in their life. They necessarily have seen God at work. But the further you go into it, the more you are able to kind of. Start recognizing the hand of God at work in your life. And it sounds like the more struggles almost that you go through, start to reveal more and more about how God has not abandoned and has not.  Forsaken you in those things. So as much as we don't like the idea  of struggling.  There is a, profound necessity towards  the faith and towards the walk. Really,  if you don't have any struggle in your walk, then perhaps you're not walking at all  um, Is there a particular like passage or like verses scripture that you find that really helps inspire you in this concept  of giving  yourself over to God in this aspect or how you see God has led you.  From your 

past. Yeah.  Usually, you know, when bad things happen to us, we often blame God. That's kind of the easy-peasy way of just shifting the blame to God, but I don't believe that's the right attitude. And honestly, for me, I love the book of James. It's one of my favorite books of the Bible. And I just think about this verse often as James 1 verse 17. It says every good gift and every perfect gift is from above and comes down from the father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow turning. So there's two things about God in this verse that I really like. Number one, God is not a God of change. And  he's always the same. 

There's no variation of shadow turning. So if he was always good before he will still be good now, and in the future,  he is a God of love. He will always be a God of love. And so that's really good for us because we don't always have a lot of consistency  in our own walk with God and who we are as humans. Right. We are flawed and we often. Change change our minds, change our heart, change all this stuff, but God is not a God of change in that sense. And I'm grateful for that. And the second thing about that verse, which I like is every good gift and every perfect gift is from above is from God. So if something happens, you have to believe that it's going to be for your own good. There's a refining process that happens usually when we're going through trials and it is not fun. Right. We've all gone through trials and temptations and, it's definitely not something we just. Urine for every day, but when it does happen and we have to believe that it's meant to, God's going to turn it into something good. Just like when,  the cancer happened to me, I, that was definitely the worst thing that's happened to me in my life. And yet because of that, it propelled me into a life of getting to know God, better, being able to find a community of like-minded believers. And that's really helped me a lot in my walk with God. And just like looking back, I actually. Honestly, I'm kind of pleased that the cancer happened, because if it didn't, I think I would still have been lost and, I may have two kidneys back then. but, I'd rather lose a kidney and find God than have both my kidneys and not have God in my life the way I do now, for sure. 

So really  it's holding onto the promises of scripture that allow you to kind of perceive that, reality, and this kind of plays into the second part of the faith experience. It's not only. Um, a belief, but it is an acceptance of what he has said. Right. Yeah. That's very cool when we can see, um, not only how God has worked. But I think that also gives us a hope for the future in how he will work and what he will do. I know we've had many conversations and talks before on just life struggles and the challenges we face. And it always seems to come back to this point, right? It's like, how has he led us in the past? How has he led you in the past for myself in the past? And what can he do to the future? I know for me. The short little example of that would be when I first started out this podcast, I felt very like, like confused as like, God, what am I doing? Why am I doing this? And what do you want it to be? But the motivation to continue on and to keep trying and seemingly failing over and over. Has led to this conversation here where we're having now. Where we're able to discuss what God has done and how he has led. And what he will do. I think I'm really enjoying these interview style. Episodes that I am slowly starting to trickle into more of our feed. And, you know, I didn't anticipate this being a part of the podcast when it first got started. So sometimes you have to go through this process where you are just looking at your past to say, God, have you led me before? Yes, you have. Okay. Now the here's a new challenge. I don't know what's going to happen or what it's going to become, but I believe that if I stick with it and stick to it,  you will do something. Good with it. And from it. now. 

some people might look at this from the outside and they say, well, you're already at that level. Right? You have gone through your trials. You've been through cancer. You've, struggled with things in your past. You've walked away from God and now you're at a place in your life where. You've come back to him. You're confident you are secure in your faith.  And for the new believer, that can be a little intimidating. Cause it's almost like looking  at an Olympic gymnast who you see   their muscles that they're flexing on what they can do. 

It's like, oh, you're on a podcast. You've got. You know, a thousand plus followers on Instagram and it's like, and here I am just starting out. And I feel like God is letting me down. Like, I feel like if I, I don't know if I can trust God, I don't have a story or a past  to build that faith on, and I don't know which Bible promises to claim that  there's all this early stage sense of confusion and fear. But you recently went through an experience and I was there when this happened. Where. I feel like you,  had a little bit of a. Of that moment, right? A moment where you kind of questioned, what was the purpose in you being here? Right. Even though you have this testimony. And, and one might say it's because of the testimony that you were preparing, that you ended up having this moment of almost crisis, where you question God. Can you  walk us through a little bit of what that, that feeling was like.  You're welcome to tell as much of the story as you want, whatever you're comfortable with. 

Well, it's definitely very fresh and happened about a week ago. Actually. Hasn't been a week. Yeah, it's about a week ago. Um, so let me kind of talk about the situation leading up to the event.  So there was this event and this is the second time it's  been put on, but the first time it was put on,  I really enjoyed it. I felt really connected to God and I want it to be more a part of it. And so  I mentioned to  the leader of the event saying, Hey, I actually felt convicted to put together a testimony, kind of like a spoken word. I would love to share it at the next event. So that was two years ago. And about a year ago I finished writing it and I started memorizing it. So really I've been prepping for this moment for one to two years. Um, and I've, I felt so convicted. I asked people for prayer about it. And, you know, just trying to practice memorizing with every free time I had.  So the moment was able to come.  And I think it was the last night of the event. And I was told that I was gonna get to perform my testimony. I'm in front of, a hundred plus people there. And while that was definitely nerve wracking, and I asked for a lot of prayer from all my friends who were there, I really was excited to share. I've been waiting so long for this moment. Now that it's within reach, I was like, this is it, God, this is what you've been preparing me for. 

I am so ready to talk about your goodness and how you worked in my life. And maybe this can be a form of encouragement to anyone who's listening right here, you know? And, um, basically,  due to like kind of the time constraints and things the people who are organizing ended up needing to cut out the testimony section. Not only was I not able to share my testimony, but,  a couple other people who also prepared, throughout the year . And so I was definitely blindsided. I have nothing against the event itself or what happened. I think it's just things happen. And that happened to be kind of collateral damage from it. But,  up until the moment that it happened, I think I was just so prepared that I was, when I realized it wasn't gonna go, I, it was very difficult for me to handle, you know, I'm so human, even though I am in Christ. I still have sadness, fear and disappointments, and, I wasn't really able to. Gracefully handle it at that moment. So  I had to walk away and cry. And so I did, I walked away from those friends. I went out kind of to the, the edges of. The event and just, I like to walk and talk with God. I don't often do that anymore because I have such a good community. And I, um, I'm often able to pray with people on the spot, but that hurt me to my core. And it hurt me at my heart to the point where. I knew talking to a friend at that point would not have been helpful. The only person I can go to is the great comforter who has God. So I just cut to the chase. I went. I went by myself and it's just started talking to God. And I think the first thing I said was actually, God,  I am so sorry because honestly I felt like maybe I was putting myself above God. Maybe there was a bit of pride in my. work that, you know, I take a lot of pride in my creative content and, being able to work on this testimony and stuff. Perhaps there was a bit of pride that was in it. So I definitely felt really humbled. So immediately I just go to Ghana confess that. And I also say, God, I know this. Happened  without a reason. And I, maybe this isn't the right time. But man, it really hurt my heart. And as I talked to God, I kind of started to reflect on the past, your talking Jai about how we often have to look to see how God was faithful in the past to see how he can be faithful now. And in the future. And, I would say a couple of years ago, I came back to God to the point where I have a really good relationship with him now, but it wasn't always like that. And throughout the last couple of years, God has been breaking my heart in so many different areas in relationships.  My relationship with my family, with my friends, and now even with the pride I take in my creative content. And I think each time God does that. It's actually a good thing and it seems counterintuitive, right. But remember every good gift and every perfect gift is from above. So if God is breaking your heart in something, and I know it's difficult to deal with it's because he's making space more space for him to be able to dwell in the heart. 

So for me, as I continually try to surrender different aspects of my life and giving that to God. I guess I didn't realize the pride that I had in my work was potentially something that I just needed to give to God. So I. I saw the goodness in that, but it doesn't mean I wasn't crying during this whole time and just sent me and I wasn't like exceptionally disappointed, you know, but I see that God can even use these as appointments. To show his goodness and it didn't come very easy because even after I kind of finished talking to God and in crying and stuff, I came back with, my friends and my community, and it was still really hard for me.  I don't fake it very well. So when I feeling distressed, it still shows. But over the process of, going through that, I also felt the devil's lies the devil telling me I'm not good enough. No one wants to hear your testimony. That's why they cut it from the program. Your story's not good enough to listen to why even bother sharing it. And, having these lies constantly go throughout your mind. It's very difficult to deal with. And I was dealing with that even for the next couple of days after leaving the event.  I know that's not from God because God doesn't speak like that. And yet, when I'm going through that, it's hard  cause it really hits your negative core belief.  Um, one of my negative core beliefs is that I'm not good enough. And if you believe that lie, you will never attain to the things that God has in store for you.  Because you are good enough. Jesus died for you. And I think we have to see our value and how God sees us and not how the world sees us. Um, and so I try it again, claim those promises. And the love that I know God feels towards us, but man, those lies are hard to deal with. And I actually didn't even feel motivated to share my spoken word testimony anymore. I was like,  what's the point? I practiced for years and I wasn't even able to share it, so I don't want to do it anymore. And I even felt discouraged and wanting to post about God on my social media. Account, which is something that's been on my heart for a while too. And so discouragement is real,  disappointment is real. And even though, eventually as we turn to God for the source of our strength and comfort, And eventually we'll get out of that kind of pit of despair. It's hard being in it. And that's something that I think we have to be real with each other about like, That stuff like that's going to happen, regardless if you're new in the faith or quote unquote experienced in the faith, you're still gonna feel those human negative emotions, but it's a matter of  are you going to keep getting back up? Are you going to be resilient in your faith or are you going to stay back down and let the lies take over your life? So,  for me, I think looking back now, I started praying more with. My friend Rissa. And just being able to pray about that there is power in prayer because I can tell you right now how I'm feeling now is loads better than how I felt last week. And I feel more comforted because. Of the prayer and just being able to talk to some of my best friends about it and talking to God about it, of course,  where the healing definitely was able to take place a lot quicker than I thought. And that's like a little miracle in and of itself, but,  all in all, I think. The experience was a good one. I appreciate the refining process now, but in the midst of it, it's not something I wish upon everybody, but if it were to happen, I think it's a good thing. You don't want a life of ease because honestly, how can you grow? Your faith of everything is too easy for you. You won't learn to rely on God. 

If everything is. Easy peasy. So, it's only through our weakness that we're able to see the strength that can come from God. And if you never have to see your weaknesses and see the problems that you're going through. How would you even know to turn to God? I think  it's an odd thing for me to say this right. That you should take a lot of joy in your suffering and stuff, but we see that written in the Bible as well. I get a little bit more of a glimpse of the joy that can be seen in the trials. The more you go through it.  I'm just thankful to be able to share and  maybe you're going through. The time of disappointment, time of trial too, but I just say,  don't let that  overcome you.  Don't let that take up. Too much of your thought process and your mind, but rather focus on how God has been faithful in the past. And he will help you overcome this. You just have to keep turning to him and praying to him about it. 

  It reminds me of a couple of things. One is the fact that  we forget that faith is just as much a muscle. In life as any muscle that we have.  And with every muscle to grow it, to really flex its strength and make it durable. It has to tear. It has to go through a period of tearing so that then the mending can heal it. And it is stronger than it was before. There's a passage. I really like in Isaiah 26, verse 3. That says you will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on. You. Because he trusted in you. And this is Isaiah talking about the Lord when we keep our thoughts and our focus on him. And to me, when I find myself. Stressed anxious, worried, whatever it is, whatever situation that I'm going through, where I feel anything but perfect peace. It is a reminder that I need to bring my eye and my attention back on him. Because it's very easy for us to become distracted and tempted to look at self. Like you said, you were being tempted to doubt whether people wanted to hear your testimony, that you weren't good enough. What God had done in your life was meaningless. And it's like, it's all this negativity, but who are you looking at? You're looking at yourself in those moments. And this is Satan's goal. He is a self exalted one, right? So his goal is to get us to look at ourselves. Even if it's not self exaltation, he's going to get us to self-doubt. And the reminder of it is the fact that we need to lift our eyes up to Christ and up to God, because like you said earlier in your passage, he is unchanging. He's un-altering.  He is still good. Even in the feeling of negative, like sadness that we're going through. With that said, in closing, is there anything that's helped you along the way, is any passages or any thing that particularly really inspired you? From this experience that helped you to grow. And obviously time  is a contributing factor. It takes time to, to recover from the, immediate, emotional, anx of the situation. But is there anything that has helped you mentally learn from this experience and grow in a way that you can say, I see that it is strengthening my faith. Yeah. 

Um, actually, so I haven't gone to the conflict of ages series, which is just,  five books written by Ellen white, who I believe is an inspired prophet from God and her stuff is lit. If you ever read her stuff, I highly recommend, but I've been going through profit and Kings. And I just, the other day I was actually reading this and I was like, wow, this is so pertinent. So I'm going through, it's like, God put that pastor there for me to read. And so I just want to share that with you guys. I don't have the page number, but as from profit and Kings and it says he trains his workers by bringing to them disappointment and apparent failure. It is his purpose that they shall learn to master difficulties. Again, it's just interesting, right? Thinking that God is on purpose, bringing us disappointment and failure, but that's how we can grow from it. That's how we can learn as assess to master difficulties. And how do we master that? By turning to God. So I felt actually really encouraged by that. Um, passage. And I was like, wow,  praise God, thank you for the disappointment, because honestly let's say things turned out. The way it was supposed to go. And I shared it in stuff. I don't know if I really would've learned all these lessons and really grown in my faith.  There would have been nothing to learn from everything would have gone according to plan. So I can see now with better eyes. That the disappointment was meant to grow my faith in God more. And so I hope that passage can be an encouragement for you to. There's so many good things to share, but that in particular stood out to me. And that has been helping me to, overcome the disappointment. Well, I did promise our listeners that we would get to hear your testimony that you had prepared.  But for those who don't know, you are quite talented when it comes to putting together your own little spoken words.  You have  done it a few times before. And  I do want people to be able to hear that on this episode. And so we wanted to, I wanted to make sure to not lose the moment when this whole thing went down  and. I realized that she was not gonna be able to share her testimony. I immediately turned to you and said, you're going to do this on my podcast because it's like, I want people to  at least hear, this experience and what you've been through. And now they know a little bit more about you.  So we will end the episode with you.  Giving your spoken word with we'll have some music with it as well. But before we go, is there any way for those who are listening, that if they're curious to learn more about your own story, or if they'd like. To reach you and connect with you. You're quite involved with your social media and posting content on there.  What's the best platform  to connect with you on that. 

Oh, yeah, I'm a heavy user of Instagram. So actually I've recently wanted to share more about God and healthcare. So I post mostly about my three pillars are God. Being a CNA , healthcare and God in healthcare. So if you guys want to follow me or hear more about my story, feel free to just follow me at. At N squared 32.  You just spell that out. And my tagline is CRNs in Christ. So feel free to add me. And,  yeah, give me 

a follow and. That's on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube. 

Instagram is my main jam. 

Instagram's the main jam. We already got rhymes and rhythm dropping here. So before we go, I just wanted to let everybody know that. If you find yourself discouraged, if you find yourself in this moment, even whether you're a new believer or a seasoned follower of Christ. Moments we'll come to test you. And that is okay. It is okay to fear. It is okay to doubt it is okay to experience the negative emotions of life. Because you are still not those emotions. And God is still just as good. In those moments, when you can find yourself confronted with these realities that seek to tear you down.  Discouraged. Disheartened or whatever it is that life may be throwing at. You. It's when, in those moments you can turn to God and you can say you are still good. You are still perfect. You are still loved. And I choose to focus on you rather than on myself in this situation. That is a big part of the faith experience. And that is a practical aspect. Of walking in faith and growing in faith. So with that said, we'll go ahead and end the discussion portion of our episode. We will next listened to Nina, giving her testimony in spoken word forum. I thank all of my listeners  for tuning in today.  Once again, just remember that the words of scripture are yours to claim. If only you would believe them. Nina. Thank you so much for being on my podcast today. Thank you for having me Jai. 



  The first time I heard this beat, I felt inspired to write some words. That showcase a glimpse of my testimony and the ways in which God pursued me. I hope you guys like it is very near and dear to my heart. So without further ado, this is entitled my route God's pursuit. 

   Seventh day Adventist   born and raised. My childhood, you would praise. PG K pastors grandkid. Have my faith because my parents did. I grew up in that Adventist  bubble. So, you know, I stayed out of trouble. But my true heart was kind of subtle. 

Being Adventist. I knew what to say, would attend church sing and pray ate haystacks and heard of Ellen white Pathfinders and attended vespers night. Even though I was in the church, I still didn't feel my own worth had integrity because I knew I should. I try to really hard to be good. Growing up, I felt pretty judged doing the right actions, trying not to fudge. Tired of the hurt I dropped out of that world, went to state school and learn other pearls, no longer Adventist didn't want to  explain why I was different and all of my pain. Still love God though. I had no doubt. All I could say was peace out. Didn't keep the Sabbath and even drank. Call myself bad Adventist to be Frank, still talk to him, but something was amiss. No community couldn't feel the bliss, Church people in my past were. Hypocrites. Didn't love to well, so that's why I quit. I was hurt. So was dissuaded. So God put others in my life who aided through all the trials that came and went God saved me and I received the love sent. Cancer car accidents. COVID CRNA school. He showed me the joy amidst the cruel. Solely, he gave me a change of heart. And now I'm a believer like from the start. It seemed impossible to be fair. Yeah, God pursued me because he cared. Do you know, who else felt judged for sake and, and bruised Jesus. Our Lord and savior was used. He love you to the end, to the point of death. Even as our words and action, hurt his chest. I don't see you at all in my life. Where were you during all my strife? Who Jesus. I don't know that man. Turn the stone to bread. If you can. Can't you tell this man is a fraud. And, you know, his talk is odd. Come down and save yourself. If you're   God. 

Jesus humbled himself to become human. He's trying to relate and find room in the hearts of those. He came to save yet. All we did was sent him to the grave. All of Jesus shown love. That is true. How he wished that everyone knew the victory that will soon come after his death there on the cross with his last breath. Three days later, All seemed quiet in the land, but people are going to witness something grand. Mary came, but she didn't see where her precious Lord and savior could be. Little, did she know about the resurrection? Because after that, there is no objection that Jesus sent here. Way back, when has power over sin, life and death. Amen. Where's he, now I can tell you he's very adamantly pleading in the heavenly sanctuary as our high priests and the perfect lamb. Jesus truly is the great I am, is waiting for everyone to make their choice, to accept his love with their own voice. I hope this story gave you a clue that how he pursued me, he can pursue you too.